Ajax - THE SECOND SECTION

THE SECOND SECTION

Proving the matter not to be contemptible.

            IT hath been in the former part hereof sufficiently proved, that there is no obscenity or barbarism in words concerning our necessaries: but now for the place where these necessaries are to be done; perhaps some will object, that it was never of that importance, but that it was left to each man's own care to provide for that which concerned his own peculiar necessity. It is not so, for I can bring very authentical proofs out of ancient records and histories, that the greatest magistrates that ever were, have employed their wits, their care, and their cost, about these places; as also have made divers good laws, proclamations, and decrees about the same, and all thereto belonging, as by this that ensues shall more plainly appear: in the handling whereof, I will use a contrary method to the former; for I will begin now with profane stories, and end with divine. First, therefore most certain it is, that mischiefs make us seek remedies, diseases make us find medicines, and evil manners make good laws. And as in all other things, so by all likelihood in this we now treat of, when companies of men began first to increase, and make of families towns, and of towns cities, they quickly found not only offence, but infection, to grow out of great concourse of people, if special care were not had to avoid it. And because they could not remove houses as they do tents, from place to place, they were driven to find the best means that their wits did then serve them, to cover rather than to avoid these annoyances, either by digging pits in the earth, or placing the common houses over rivers; but as Tully saith of metaphors, that they were like our apparel, first devised to hide nakedness, then applied for comeliness, and lastly abused for pride; so I may say of these homely places, that first they were provided for bare necessity; for indeed till Romulus' time I find little mention of them, then they came to be matters of some more cost, as shall appear in examples following: and I think I might also lay pride to their charge; for I have seen them in cases of figured satin and velvet (which is flat against the statute of apparel<1>); but for sweetness or  cleanliness, I never knew yet any of them  guilty of it; but that if they had but waited on a lady in her chamber a day or a night, they would have made a man (at his next entrance into the chamber) have said, so good speed ye. Now, as scholars do daily seek out new phrases and metaphors, and tailors do oft invent new fardingales and breeches; so I see no reason but magistrates may, as well now as heretofore, devise new orders for cleanliness and wholesomeness. But now to the stories I alleged before, as it were at the second hand, out of Lactantius; how Titus Tacius, that was king with Romulus, erected the statue of the goddess Cloacina in a great privy made for that purpose. I find after this, in the story of Livy, how Tarquinius Priscus, a man of excellent good spirit, but husband to a wife of a more excellent spirit; a man that won a kingdom with making a learned oration, and lost it with hearing a rude one; a king, that was first crowned by an eagle, counselled by an augur, and killed by a traitor: whose reign and his ruin were both most strangely foretold. This worthy prince is reported by that excellent historian, to have made two provisions for his city, one for war, the other for peace; both very commendable: for war, a stone wall about the town, to defend them from outward invasions; and for peace, a goodly Jakes within the town, with a vault to convey all the filth into Tiber, to preserve them from inward infection.

            Not long after him reigned Tarquinius, surnamed the proud; a tyrant, I confess, and an usurper, and husband to a dragon rather than a woman; but himself surely, a man valiant in war, provident in peace, and in that young world, a notable politician: of whom Livy takes this special note; that coming to the crown without law, and fearing others might follow his example, to do that to him he had done to another, he was the first that appointed a guard for his person, the first that drew public matters to private hearing, the first that made private wars, private peace, private confederacies; the first that lessened the number of the senators, the first that when any of them died kept their rooms void, with many excellent Machiavellian lessons; which, whoso would be better instructed of, let him read but his accusing of Turnus, his stratagem against the Gabians, &c. But the matter I would praise him for, is none of all these; but only because he built a stately temple, and a costly Jakes; the words be, Cloacamque maximum receptaculum omnium purgamentorum urbis; a mighty great vault to receive all the filth of the city. Of which two works, joining them both together, Livy saith thus: Quibus duobus operibus vix nova haec magnificentia quicquam aedeqavit: which two great works, the new magnificence of this our age can hardly match. Now though Brutus after, in a popular and seditious oration to incite the multitude to rebellion, debased this worthy work of his, saying he wasted the treasure of the realm, and tired and toiled out the people, in exhaurendis cloacis, in emptying of Jaxes (for that was his word); yet it appears by the history, that if his son had not deflowered the chaste Lucrece (the mirror of her sex), Brutus, with his feigned folly, true value, and great eloquence, could never have disgraced him. For even with all the faults, you, see that Brutus his own sons would have had him again; who laying their heads together with many young gallants that thought themselves much wiser than their fathers, concluded among themselves, that a king was better than a consul, a court better than a senate; that to live only by laws was too strict and rigorous a life, and better for peasantly than princely dispositions; that kings could favour, as well as frown; reward, as well as revenge; pardon, as well as punish: whereas, the law was merciless, mute, and immutable: finally, they concluded it was ill living for them where nothing but innocency could protect a man. Lo, Brutus! how eloquently thy sons can plead against their father: but thou hadst a jury of sure freeholders, that gave a verdict against them; and thyself wast both judge and sheriff, and hastenedst execution.

            Oh, brave minded Brutus! I will not call thee primus Romanorum<2> because one was shent for calling one of thy posterity, ultimus Romanorum <3>; but this I must truly say, they were two brutish parts, both of him and you: one to kill his sons for treason, the other to kill his father in treason: <4 > and yet you would both make us believe you had reason; and why so? forsooth because

Victrix causa placet superis sed victa Catoni.<5>

            That is to say, in English, you had great fortune, and your cousin had great friends; yet neither died in bed, but both in battle; only his death was his enemies' advancement, and thy death was thy enemies' destruction; but to omit these trifles and return to my teshe: whereas thou railest against so great a prince for making of so sumptuous a Jakes, this I cannot endure at thy hands; and if thou hadst played me such a saucy part here in my country, first of mine own authority, I would have granted the good behaviour against you;<6> secondly, Tarquinius himself might have Scandalum magnatum <7> against you; and, thirdly, a bill should have been framed against you in the Star-chamber, upon the statute of unlawful assemblies; and then you would have wished you had kept your eloquence to yourself, and not when a man hath done but two good works in all his life, you to stand railing at one of them. For suppose that Tarquin had given me but a fee, thus would I plead for him: M. Brutus, you have made us believe all this while you were but a fool; but I see now, if one had begged you, he should have found you a Bigamus. And whereas you seem to disgrace my honourable client for making of A JAX, I dare undertake to prove it, that your own laws, your religions, your customs, yea, your conscience is against you, and shows it is but a mere calumniation. For to omit dame Cloacina, so lately deified, did not the noble Hercules, whom you Brutus honour as a god, far ancienter than Quirinus and Romulus, among those many labours that eternized his memory, make clean Augeus' dunghills.

Quis non Euristea durum,
Aut illaudati nescit Busiridis aras
.<8>

            If the work have a baseness, Tarquinius but with his purse, Hercules with his person affected it; leaving a pattern to posterity, both of labour and wit; for by turning a stream of water on the micksons, he scoured away that in a week, that an hundred could scarce have done in a year. Then would I end with some exclamation, and say, O tempora, O mores! Oh times, oh manners! If a man be not popular, you will straight say he is proud; if he keep good hospitality, you will say he doth but fill many Jaxes; if he build goodly vaults for sewers, you will say he spends his treasure in exhauriendis cloacis.<9> Or rather I would say, O Hercules! come and bend thy bow against Brutus, that shoots arrows through thy sides to slay Tarquinius.<10> But now let me leave playing the lawyer, and lawyer-like be friends immediately with him, whom even now I talked against so earnestly, I mean with Brutus; because indeed, saving in this one case, I never mean to be of counsel with Tarquin; for such proud clients will speak us passing fair while we serve their turns, and after pick a quarrel against us when we sue for a reward. Now therefore to go forward with the story.

            When this valiant Brutus had thus discarded the kings and queens out of the pack, and showed himself indeed a sworn and avowed enemy to all the court cards, there crept in many new forms of government, and every one worse than other: namely, consuls, dictators, decemviri, tribunes, triumviri; till at last, after often interchanges, it came to the government of Emperors. In all which times there were not only laws and special caveats given to the great officers in time of war and danger, Ne quid respub. detrimenti caperet, to look to the safety of the main chance (the commonwealth), but also there were officers of good account; as Aediles, praetores urbis, that made inquiries de stillicidiis, de aqua ductibus,<11> of reparation of houses, of water courses, or common sewers; of which I could recite out of the 43rd book of the Digest. tit. 23. de cloacis; where you shall find it was lawful for any man purgare et reficere cloacam.<12> What officers were to license him that would privatam cloacam facere, qua habeat exitum in publicum.<13> What special care was to be had of Tubus and Fistula.<14> Lastly, that novam cloacam facere is concedit, cui publicarum viarum cura sit; that is, that no man might make a new Jakes, but he that had licence of the wardens of highways; with much more, which I would cite if it were not to avoid prolixity. And from them no doubt was derived our commission of sewers, of which the best of us all I hope will take no scorn: which commission, though in our country it is chiefly intended to keep open the channels of rivers in the deep country, that the water may have free passage; yet the very name imports, that therein is comprised the subject of my present discourse; which in populous towns had as much need to be looked to, as the other, infection being fit to be avoided, as well as inundation. But now I hasten to imperial examples; for though I have showed already some authorities for my text out of the practise of the laws, the provident care of magistrates, the magnificent cost of kings, the religion (though false) of pagans: yet until I have added to all these the majesty of emperors, and the verity of Scriptures, I suppose some carping mouths will not be stopped.

            The first example I meet with among the emperors, was a matter rather of courtesy than cost: and if any man will say, that I draw this into my treatise as it were obtorto collo,<15 > I answer, that in my understanding, the tale falleth so fit and proper unto this discourse, as indeed to have brought it into any discourse saving of A JAX, I would say it were improper and uncivil: the argument holds a minore ad majus.<16>  Now hearken to my tale. Claudius, Emperor of Rome, and husband to that filthy Messalina (vilissima qua fuerunt vel sunt),<17> she that was worthy for the commonness of her body (be it spoken with save the reverence of all women that are or were, save herself) to have been metamorphosed into A JAX, rather than poor Hecuba, for barking at him that killed her son, into a bitch. This Claudius, I say, though not for cost (as Tarquin), yet for his courtesy was greatly to be commended: for a gentleman one day being talking with him, and falling suddenly into a grievous fit of the colic, the poor gentleman would not for good manners sake break wind, which might presently have eased him; and after the disease increased so sore on him that he died. The Emperor informed of his death, was much grieved thereat, especially hearing of the cause; and immediately thereupon made it be solemnly proclaimed, that if any man hereafter should be troubled with the colic, it should not be taken for ill manners to break wind, though it were in the Emperor's own company. Now it may be, some man in disgrace of this proclamation will say, that this Claudius was but a cuckold and a fool. I answer, that for the cuckold that was none of his fault; and if it were a fault, God forbid all our faults should be seen on our foreheads. And for the fool, the old proverb may serve us, Stultorum plena sunt omnia; the world is full of fools, but take heed how you beg him for a fool: <18>; for I have heard of one that was begged in the court of wards for a fool, and when it came to trial, he proved a wiser man by much than he that begged him; and though I have small skill in the law, especially in these prerogative cases (for I must confess I studied Littleton but to the title of discontinuance), yet methink I should find out a quirk, to make them that should beg him have a cold suit in the court of wards. For I take it to be a ruled case, that though a man hold wholly in Capite,<19> put the case by a whole knight's service, or half a knight's service, yet if he be covert baron<20>, as Claudius was (for I am sure his wife wore the breeches), and being at his fool age of thirty-one, the Custodia must of course be granted to the wife, although the man be plus digne de sang.<21> And thus much we say, saving to ourselves all advantage of exception to the insufficiency of the bill, &c.

            And without that, the said Claudius did fondly to cause a man's hand to be cut off upon the motion of a stranger; and without that, he had  almost marred all the pastime he and his friends should have had at a Naumachia, or sea-game, with re-saluting the slaves that should have fought, in good Latin. <22> And lastly, without that, the said Claudius, at his being in England<23> was (though he was counted one of the best freeholders in Middlesex), could forfeit any land that he held by the right of his sword, either in fee-simple or fee-tail, either by the sock or the smock, to any other lady, but the lady his wife. But alas, Claudius! thy friends may say, that I am a bad lawyer; for all this while I have done little better than confess the action; but I care not, seeing thou art dead, Mortui non mordent,<24> and it were fitter now to preach for thee, than to plead for thee: well then for thy gentle proclamation's sake, lo! what in sadness (if I were to make thy funeral sermon) I would say for thee, that howsoever some writers have wronged thee with the name of a fool, <25> in one of thy judgments I may liken thy wisdom to Solomon; and in one of thy jests I can compare thy wit with Diogenes. As for example,<26> a woman on a time disclaiming her son, and pretending that for conscience' sake she must needs confess a truth, viz. how her own child died, and this was a supposititius, a substitute in his place, for avoiding of her husband's displeasure; no evidence appearing to the contrary, and the next heir following the matter very hard, by complot with the mother who remained obstinate in the tale.<27> Claudius, then sitting in judgment, seems to believe it; and seeing the man a comely young man, and she no old woman, and oft protesting she maliced him not, he commanded her immediately in his presence to marry him. The malicious mother, driven to that unlooked for pinch, openly confessed her unnatural malice, to avoid so unnatural a marriage: and thus much for his justice; now let us hear what his jest is. A certain gentleman that had his fingers made of lime twigs, stole a piece of plate from Claudius one day at a banquet; the conveyance was not so cleanly, but one had spied it and told the Emperor, and offered to accuse him of it, whereby his goods might have been all confiscate: but this good prince would neither head him nor hang him, no nor so much as once suffer him to be troubled; only the next time he came he caused him to be served in an earthen dish; the gentleman being abashed at it, for the dish gave him his dinner. Claudius was so far from laying his crime in his dish, that he said, be of good cheer man, and fall to thy meat, and when thou hast dined put up that dish too; for I will spare thee that with a better will than the last, for perhaps thou hast a mind to poke up thy dish when thou likest the meat well. And so farewell, good Claudius, and when any of my friends are troubled with the colic, I hope I shall make them remember thee.

            The next emperor that is fit to bring into this discourse, is Vespasian; though his predecessor Vitellius, who is noted to have been a passing great eater, would I think have taken it in good part, to have been offered a cleanly and easy place for egestion after his good digestion. But to the purpose: Vespasian, before he was emperor, had borne some other offices, among the which one was Aedilis; and it is written of him, that he incurred great displeasure with Otho, then emperor, because he had not seen better to the keeping sweet of the streets, and caused the filth of them (according to his office) to be carried to the places appointed for the same. But afterward, himself coming to be emperor (though the city of Rome was before his time sufficiently furnished of Jaxes), yet it seemed there wanted other places of near affinity to them (which he found belike when he was Aedile by experience), I mean certain pissing conduits; and therefore he caused divers to be erected in the most populous and frequented places of the city, and saved all the urine in cisterns, and sold it for a good sum of money to the dyers. But though I tell you the tale thus plainly, you must imagine the matter was much more formally and finely handled, and namely, that there was an edict set out in this sort:

By the Emperor
C. FLAVIUS VESPASIANUS PATER PATRIAE, SEMPER AUGUSTUS, &c.

            FORASMUCH as his Majesty hath been informed by sundry credible men, that great abuse is committed by the irreverent demeanour of divers persons, ill brought up, who without all due respect of civility and reverence, in most unseemly manner shed their urine, not only against the walls of his royal palace, but also against the temples of the Gods and Goddesses: whereby not only ugly and loathsome sights, but filthy and pestiferous savours are daily engendered: his Majesty therefore, as well of a fatherly care of his citizens, as of a filial reverence to the Gods, hath to his great charges, and of his princely bounty and magnificence, erected divers and sundry places of fair polished marble, for this special purpose; requiring, and no less straightly charging all persons, as well citizens as strangers, to refrain from all other places, saving these specially appointed, as they tender his favour, &c.

            Thus could I have penned the edict, if I had been secretary; for it had not been worth a fig, if they had not artificially covered the true intent (which was the profit), and gloriously set forth the goodly and godly pretence (that was least thought on); viz. the health of the people, and clean keeping of the temples. But I doubt, notwithstanding this goodly edict, it will be objected, that it was condemned for a base part, by a judge whose sentence is above all appeal; I mean that noble Titus, deliciae humani generis;<28> he that thought the day lost in which he had done no man good; to answer which I would but say, as was said to him when the passing money was put into the perfumed purse, suavis odor lucri, the smell of gain is sweet. And I dare undertake, this answer will satisfy divers men in London, and many of the worshipful of the city, that make sweet gains of stinking wares;<29>  and will laugh, and be fat, and say,

So we get the chinks,
We will bear with the stinks.

            But I must find out a better answer for courtly wits; and therefore I say to them, that according to the discipline and custom of the Romans (in my opinion under reformation of their better judgments), this was so honourable a part of Vespasian, that he was therefore worthy to have been deified: for if Saturnus was allowed as a god, by the name of Stercutius, as is before alleged, for finding a profitable use of all manner of soil, I see a good reason (a paribus)<30> that Vespasian should as well be deified for finding a means to make money of urine; and accordingly to be named Urinatius, of Urina; as the other is, of Stercus, Stercutius. Further, Vespasian was famous for two true miracles done by him, greater than all their gods beside ever did. Now if any take exception to his face, because the fool told him he looked as if it went hard with him, trust me it shall go hard with me too, but I will find somewhat to say for him; and first, I will get some of the painting that comes from the river of Oroonoque, which will wonderfully mend his complexion. Secondly, I will say this; how bad soever his face was, he had something so good, that a handsome woman gave him a thousand crowns for putting his seal with his label to her patent; and yet she exhibited the petition (as I take it) in forma paper, for she was stark naked. Once this I am sure Suetonius writes; that when his steward asked him how he should set down that thousand crowns on his book, he bade him write it among his other perquisites in some such sort:

Item. For respite of homage from a loving tenant to her lovely lord, for a whole knight's fee, recepi<31> . . . . 1000 crowns.

            Now for his wit, though I could tell you two excellent tales, how he deceived a groom of the chamber, of his brother, and how he would needs be half with his horsekeeper, for setting on a shoe on a horse that lacked none; yet I omit them both, because many will be too apt to follow the precedent, and I will keep me very strictly to my teshe; and specially because I hasten to a most royal example, I mean of Trajan. There is no man (I think) that hath either travelled far countries, or read foreign stories, but hath either heard of the famous exploits and victories that he had, or seen some of the stately and sumptuous monuments that he made. This Trajan was Emperor of Rome; and then emperor when Rome stood at her highest pitch of greatness: a man whose conquests were most glorious, whose buildings were most gorgeous, whose justice was most gracious: he that stayed his whole army, to right the cause of one widow; he that created a magistrate, and delivering him the sword for justice, said to him, use this for me as long as I govern justly, but against me when I govern otherwise; he in whose time no learned man was seen to want, no poor man was seen to beg; he that would boast of Nerva his predecessor, of Plotina his wife, of Plutarch his counsellor; finally, this Trajan was so well accomplished a prince in all princely virtues, as no story, no time, no memory, in all points, can match him. This most renowned Emperor, hearing there was a town in Bithynia, far off from Rome, and in a place where he was like never to be troubled with the evil savour, that was much annoyed for lack of a good conveyance of the common privies, thought himself bound (as a father to all his subjects) to provide a remedy for such an inconvenience; and of his own purse he took order for making a vault, of great cost and charge, in the city. And for full satisfaction of the reader herein, I will set down the two epistles as I find them in the tenth book of the epistles of Plinius Secundus to Trajan. Epist. 99.<32>

Plinius Secundus Trajano Imp. S.

            Amastrianorum civitas, Domine, et elegans et ornata, habet, inter pracipua opera pulcherrimam eandemque longissimam plateam, cujus a latere per spatium omne porrigitur, nomine quidem flumen, revera cloaca foedissima. Qua sicut turpis et immundissima aspectu ita pestilens est odore teterrimo. Quibus ex causis non minus salubritatis quam decoris interest, eam contegi. Quod fiet si permiseris, curantibus nobis ne desit quoque pecunia operi tam magno, quam necessario.—Which is thus in English:

            Caius Plinius, to Trajan the Emperor, greeting. The city of the Amestrians (my lord) being commodious and beautiful, hath among her principal goodly buildings, a very fair and long street, on the side whereof runneth through the whole length of it a brook, in name (for it is called so), but indeed a most filthy Jakes; which as it is foul and most uncleanly to behold, so is it infectious with the horrible vile savour; wherefore it were expedient, no less for wholesomeness than for handsomeness, to have it vaulted, which shall be done if it please you to allow it; and I will take care that there shall be no want of money for such a work, no less chargeable than necessary. Thus writes Plinius Secundus, a Roman senator, and as it were a deputy lieutenant in the province of Bithynia, to the great Trajan; and I do half marvel he durst write so; for had it been in the time of Domitian, Commodus, or Nero, either Martial should have jested at him with an epigram; or some secretary that had envied his honest reputation, should have been willed to have answered the letter in some scornful sort; and would have written thus:

            Master Pliny, my Lord God the Emperor <33> not vouchsafing to answer your letter himself, hath commanded me to write thus much to you; that he marvels you will presume to trouble his divine Majesty with matters of so base regard; that your father being held a wise man and a learned, might have taught you better manners; that his Majesty hath matters of great import, concerning the state of the empire, both for war and peace, to employ his treasure in: thus much I was commanded to write. Now for mine own part, let me say thus much to you; that I heard my Lord God the Emperor say, that if the ill savour annoy you, you may send to your mistress for a perfumed handkerchief to stop your nose; and that some physicians say, the smell of a Jakes is good against the plague.—Some such answer as this, had been like to have come from some of those beastly emperors, and their filthy followers. But how did Trajan answer it? I will set you down his own letter, out of the same book; in the same language.

Argumentum.
Permittit confornicari cloacam,
TR. PLINIO. S.

            Rationis est, mi Secunde charissime, contegi aquam istam, qua per civitatem Amastrianorum fluit, si detecta salubritati obest. Pecunia ne huic operi desit curaturum te secundum diligentiam, tuam certum habeo. Thus in English:

            It is good reason, my dearest Secundus, that the water be covered that runs by the city of the Amestrians, if the want of covering may breed infection: and for money for the work, I make no question, but you according to your accustomed diligence will make provision.

            Short and sweet, yea most sweet indeed, because it was of an unsavoury matter. But I had almost forgot to English the argument; and then folks might laugh indeed at me, and think I were Magister incipiens<34> with an s and say I could not English these three words, permittit confornicari cloacam; what the good year, what is this same confornicari? Trust me, this is a word I never read in Homer nor Aristotle; marry indeed they wrote but ill Latin: no nor in Tully, in Livy, in Tacitus, nor in all the poets: what a strange word is this! Ho, sirrah, bring hither the dictionary. Which of them, Cooper? No, no, Thomas Coperus omisit plurima verba.<35> Which then, that with the French afore the Latin, or Thomas Thomas? Yea, bring me them two. What, hast thou brought the two dictionaries? I meant but the two Thomases.<36> Come old friend Tom, Tom, Qui fueras quondam clarae praepositor aulae,<37> you have made rods to jerk me withal ere now; I think I shall give you a jerk, if you do not help me to some English for this word. Look it, sirrah, there in the dictionary. Con, con. Tush, what dost thou look in the French? thou wilt make a sweet piece of looking, to look for confornicar in the French: look in the Latin for fornicor. F, fa, fe, fi, fo, for, for, foramen, forfex, forica, forma, fornicator <38>(now I think I am near it), fornix, fornicor, -aris, -are. There, what is that? a vault, to vault or arch any thing with a compass. Well said, carry away the books again now I have it. Then thus it is: He alloweth the vaulting or arching over of the Jakes. Marry, God's blessing on his heart for his labour, and I love him the better for it. Wherefore (most noble Trajan) thou mayest well be called the pattern of all princely qualities; comely, beautiful, martial, merciful, a lover of learning, moderate in private expenses, magnificent in public, most goodly of stature, amiable, not only in thy virtues, but even in thy vices: for, to say the worst was ever said of thee, these were all thy faults; ambition or desire of glory in wars, love of women, and persecuting of religion. For so they join thee, Nero, Domitianus, Trajanus, Antonius, Pontifices Romanos laniarunt.<39> To which, thus I answer without a fee, but with all my heart: that thy ambition was so honourable, and thy warlike humour so well tempered, that thou didst truly witness of thyself, that thou didst never envy any man's honour, for the confidence thou hadst of thine own worth; and all the world can witness, that thou never didst make unjust war, nor refuse any just or indifferent peace. For that same sweet sin of lechery, I would say as the friar said, a young man and a young woman in a green arbour in a May morning; if God do not forgive it, I would. For as Sir Thomas More saith of Edward the Fourth; he was subject to a sin, from which, health of body in great prosperity of fortune, without a special grace, hardly refraineth. And to speak uprightly of him, his lusts were not furious, but friendly; able with his goodly person, his sweet behaviour, and his bountiful gifts, to have won Lucretia. Besides, no doubt, his sin was the less, in that he ever loved his wife most dearly, and used her most respectively: for I have ever maintained this paradox, it is better to love two too many, than one too few. Lastly, for the persecution of thy time, though I dare not defend it, yet there is a maxim, invincibilis ignorantia recusat,<40> and sure thou didst not know the truth, and thy persecution was very gentle, and half against thy will, as appeareth by the 98th epistle of the tenth book of Pliny's epistles; where thou dost utterly reject all secret promoters, and dost pronounce against the strict inquisition, Conquirendi non sunt,<41> etc. Wherefore I doubt not to pronounce, that I hope thy soul is in heaven, both because those thou didst persecute prayed for thee, wishing to thee, as Tertullian saith, Vitam prolixam, imperium securum, domum tutam, exercitus fortes, senatum fidelem, populum probum, orbem quietum; a long life, a happy reign, a safe dwelling, strong armies, a faithful senate, honest people, and a quiet world. Further, it is written by authors of some credit, that thy soul was delivered out of hell at the prayer of great St. Gregory;<42> which though I am not bound to believe, yet as in love I had rather love too many than too few, so in charity I had rather believe too much than too little. As for that titan scripture, ex inferno nulla redemptio,<43> I have heard it oft alleged by great clerks; but I think it is in the Epistle of St. Paul to the Laodiceans, or in Nicodemus' Gospel: for I never yet could find it in the Bible. Wherefore, this I will frankly say for Trajan; that wheresoever I find a prince or a peer, with so great virtues and so few vices, I will honour him, love him, extol him, admire him, and pronounce this of him; that the army is happy that hath such a general, the prince happy that hath such a counsellor, the mistress happy that hath such a servant, and thus I end my profane authorities. And now I come to the divine; wherein I think I shall serve you, in the banquet I have promised you, as myself have been served many times at our commencement feasts, and such like, in Cambridge; that when we have been in the midst of some pleasant argument, suddenly the Bibler hath come, and with a loud and audible voice begun with Incipit libri Deuteronomium, caput vicesimum tertium.<44> And then suddenly we have been all s't tacete,<45> and hearkened to the Scripture; for even so must I now, after all our pleasant stories bring in, as I promised, some divine authorities; to the which I pray you let us with all due reverence be attentive. <46>

            In the aforesaid xxiii. chapter of Deuteronomy, in the 12th verse, I find this text.

            12. Habebis locum extra castra ad quem egrediaris ad requisita nature.

            13. Gerens paxillum in balteo, cumque sederis, fodies per circuitum, et egeste humo operies quo relevatus es.

            14. Dominus enim Deus tuus ambulat in medio castrorum, ut eruat te, et tradat tibi inimicos tuos, et sint castra tua sancta, et nihil in eis appareat faeditatis, ne derelinquat te. That is:

            12 Thou shalt have a place without thy tents, to which thou shalt go to do thy necessities of nature.

            13 Carrying a spadestaff<46> in thy hand, and when thou wilt ease thee, thou shalt cut a round turf; and thou shalt cover thy excrements therewith, in the place where thou didst ease thyself.

            14. For the Lord thy God walketh in the midst of thy tents to deliver thee, and to give thy enemies into thy hands; that thy tents may be holy, and that there appear no filthiness in them, lest he forsake thee.

            But methink some may say, upon hearing of this text, what is it possible there should be such a scripture that handleth so homely matters? I can hardly believe it; I have always had a Bible in my parlour these many years, and ofttimes when the weather hath been foul, and that I have had no other book to read on, and have wanted company to play at cards or at tables with me, I have read in those books of the Old Testament, at least half an hour by the clock; and yet I remember not any such matter. Nay, further, I have heard a preacher that hath kept an exercise a year together upon the books of Moses, and hath told us of Genesis and genealogies, of the ark and propitiatory, of pollutions, of washings, of leprosies;, but I never heard him talk of such a homely matter as this. I answer it may be so very well. And therefore now I pray you, sith the text is so strange to you, give me leave to put you in mind of two virtuous and honest observations out of this (how homely soever) yet holy Scripture. One, to be thankful to our Saviour for his mercies; the other, to be faithful to our sovereign for her merits. We may thank God that all these servile ceremonies, which St. Paul calleth the works of the law, as circumcision, new moons, sabbaths, washings, cleanings, with touch not, handle not, eat not, &c. are now taken away and quite abolished by the Gospel; which hath now made Omnia munda mundis.<48> And as St. Augustine saith, instead of ceremonies, cumbersome, infinite, intolerable, impossible, hath given sacraments, easy, few, sweet, and gracious; and hath taught us, instead of hearing Fac hoc et viva,<49> to say now to him, Da Domine quod jubes.<50> Secondly, where as it seems you never heard this text preached on, you may bless in your soul, and pray for her Majesty's so peaceable and prosperous reign; this text being not fit for peace and a pulpit, but only for war and a camp. And therefore, though I hope we shall never have cause to hear such a scripture preached in England, yet those that serve in other countries, both have and shall hear it thus applied (and that oft not without need); viz. that though now to the clean, all things are clean, yet still we must have a special care of cleanliness and wholesomeness, even for the things here spoken of; and if for such things, how much more for rapes, thefts, murders, blasphemies; things (as God knows) too common in all our camps. Ne Dominus Deus noster, qui ambulat in media castrorum derelinquat nos; lest the Lord our God, that walketh in the midst of our tents, should forsake us. And even in the time of the sweetest peace, methinks I could also say, here at home, that it is an irreverent thing for churches ordained for prayer, and churchyards appointed for burial, to be polluted and defiled as if they were kennels and dunghills.

            And I have thought sometime with myself, that if I were but half so great an officer under our most gracious Empress, who is indeed worthy, and only worthy to be Trajan's mistress, as Plinius Secundus was under that Trajan, I would write for the mending of such a loathsome fault in my neighbour town of Bath (where many noble persons are oft annoyed with it), as Pliny did for Amestris. Yet why may I not by poetica licentia,<51> and by an honest and necessary figure (in this age) called reprehensio,<52> imagine myself for half an hour to be Secundus; and suppose some other, that perhaps at this hour is not far from Trajan's country, to be that worthiest Trajan? For though in the English grammar, the feminine gender is more worthy than the masculine, the which rule I wish long may hold; yet lest old Priscian should say I brake his head when I never came near him,<53> I will keep me in this my pleasant imitation within such an honest limitation, as shall be free from all just reprehension, and write instead of C. Pl. Secundus Trajano. Imp. Salutem.

Haec tibi Traiano, terraque marique remoto,
Scribit Misacmos, nulli pietate Secundus.<54>

            "The City of Bath (my lord) being both poor enough and proud enough, hath since her Highness being there, wonderfully beautified itself in fine houses for victualling and lodging, but decays as fast in their ancient and honest trades of merchandise and clothing: the fair church her Highness gave order should be re-edified, stands at a stay; and their common sewer, which before stood in an ill place, stands now in no place, for they have not any at all; which for a town so plentifully served of water, in a country so well provided of stone, in a place resorted unto so greatly (being at two times of the year, as it were, the pilgrimage of health to all saints), methink seemeth an unworthy and dishonourable thing; wherefore if your lordship would authorize me, or some wiser than me, to take a strict account of the money, by her Majesty's gracious grant gathered and to be gathered, which in the opinion of many cannot be less than ten thousand pounds (though not to wrong them, I think they have bestowed upon the point of ten thousand pounds abating but one cipher), I would not doubt; of a ruinate church to make a reverent church, and of an unsavoury town a most sweet town.

            "This I do the rather write, because your lordship, and the rest of her Majesty's most honourable counsel, thought me once worthy to be steward of that town, but that the wiser counsel of the town thought it not meet, out of a deeper reach; lest, being already their poor neighbour, this increase might have made my estate too great among them. For indeed the fee belonging to it, and some other commodities annexed, might have been worth to me, de claro viis et modis, per annum CCCClxxx.d. <55>

            "Moreover, I am to certify your lordship, that the spring taken out of the hot bath into the private, doth not annoy or prejudice the virtue of the hot bath, as her Majesty hath been lately informed: and it is not unnecessary, for some honourable persons that come thither, sometimes to have such a private bath." But now I pray you let us hearken to the Scripture, for the bibler is not yet come to Tu autem.<56>

            I find also in the second and third chapter of Nehemias, which some call the second book of Esdras, where he tells how nobody but he and his ass went to survey the city, Et ingressus sum ad portam vallis nocte, ante fontem draconis, et ad portam stercoris, et considerabam murum Jerusalem dissipate, et portas ejus consumptas igni.<57> And in the third chapter, showing who repaired all the ruins, Et portam vallis aedificavit Hanum, et habitatores Zanoe,ipsi edificaverunt eam, et statuerunt valvas ejus, et seras, et vectes, et mille cubitos in muro usque ad portam sterquilinii. Et portam sterquilinii edavit Melchias filius Rhecab princeps, etc. And the gate of the valley built Hanum and the inhabitants of Zanoe; they built it, and they made the leaves of the gate, and the locks, and the hinges, and a thousand cubits in the wall, even to the dung gate: and Melchias, son of Rhecab, being Prince of Bethacharan, built the dung gate. <58>I would have said, save-reverence the dung gate, but that Nehemias, who was a gentleman well brought up, and a courtier, and had been a sewer and cupbearer to Artaxerxes, writes it as I have recited it.

            But now to the purpose; perhaps you will say, that this makes nothing to the present argument, that the gate is called doungate; for we have a gate in London called Dougate, that with a little dash with a pen will seem to be the same gate, and yet hath no great affinity with the matter: and on the other side, there is a place with a glorious title of Queen Hithe, and yet it was ordained for my lady Cloacina; I grant it might be so, for so there is a parish by London called Hornsey, which is an ungracious crooked name, and yet I verily persuade me, that the most glorious or gracious street in London, hath more horns in it sometime, either visible or invisible, than all the other parish. But concerning the gate in Jerusalem, called Porta stercoris,<59> I find it was so called, because it lay on the east side of the city, toward the brook Cedron, whither all the rainwater of the city, and all other conveyances ran, as they do out of the city of London into the Thames: and that being so, and the city so populous, the gate might well be called Porta stercoris. Now, without the city, I find mentioned another place ordained for the like purpose, to carry out all such filth as the rain could not wash away, and had no common passage; and that was the valley of Hinnon, which seems by the map to lie southeast and by south to the temple; and thither, I say, the scavengers carried their loading, as they do at London beyond Golding Lane.<60> And therefore in the New Testament it is called gehenna, and taken for hell; and if you have a mind, to know how I come by this divinity, trust me if you will: I come by it as true men come by their goods. For so it is, that not long since there dwelt in Bath a schoolmaster, a man whom I favoured much, for his sake that sent him thither. But he had not been there long, but a controversy arose betwixt him and some preachers thereabout, among whom we have too many that study nothing but the controversies; and it came, after many disputes on both sides, at last to writing and publishing of books. And the schoolmaster (though being no preacher) wrote a book with this title, That Christ descended not into hell; the very sight of which title being flat contradictory to an article of the Creed, I remember I said of the man, as Haywood saith in his proverbs, that hereafter,

He might be of my pater noster indeed,
But sure he should never come in my creed.

            And therefore I might repute him as a good humanist, but I should ever doubt him for a good divine. Now, as I say, hearing in these disputes and sermons, divers names of hell throughly sifted; as Ades, Tartaros, Infernum, Stagnum ardens, and last of all, Gehenna; which last I was most used to, as having an old verse when I was at Eton, of a peacock;

Angelus in penna, pede latro voce gehenna,
A bird that hath as angel's plume,
A thievish pace, a hellish tune.

            Consequently, I observed, that our honest and learned preacher of Bath, M. R. M. first proved hell to be a local place (if not circumscriptive, yet at least definitive): then he showed the etymology of the word gehenna to be derived in Greek of γη και ιννον (ge kai innon), that is, the earth or valley of Hinnon; then he told, that this place was as it were the common dunghill or mickson of the whole town; that the Jews had used in this valley to make their children pass through the fire, as a sacrifice to the devil, according to the psalm of David; They offered their sons and daughters unto devils. Finally, that our Saviour, to make a more fearful impression in their hearts of the pains of hell indeed, which they knew not, used the name of this hellish place, which they knew that had in it these hateful hellish properties, smoke, stink, horrible cries, and torment. But lest you should think I speak as a parrot, nothing but what I have heard another say, let me add somewhat of mine own poor reading, and that shall be this; that this valley of Hinnon was once for the sweet air, fine groves, fair walks, and green and pleasant fields, comparable with any place about Jerusalem; but when the abominable idol of Moloch was erected in it, whose portraiture was like a king, having the head of a calf, all of brass, and hollow within; unto which (most inhumanly) they sacrificed human flesh, yea their own children; and to the end that the wicked parents might not feel remorse of the woeful cries of the wretched children, they danced a strange medley about the fire, having music suitable to such mirth, of drums and Jew's-harps (for I think hornpipes and bagpipes were not then found out): I say, these abominations being there committed, the good Josias driven to use an extreme medicine to so extreme a malady, first burned and brake all to pieces the horrible idol; and then, in detestation of the abuses there committed, cut down the fine groves, tore up the sweet pastures, defaced the pleasant walks; and to the end that all passengers should fly from it, that were wont to frequent it, he caused all filthy carrion, dead dogs and horses, all the filth of the streets, and whatsoever hateful and ugly things could be imagined, to be carried thither.<61> And this, O Josias, was thy zealous reformation: but, alas! how little do some that pretend thy name, participate thy nature. They pull down Moloch, but set up Baal-peor and Beelzebub; their lean devotion thinks the hill of the Lord is too fat; their envious eye serves them, like Aretino's spectacles, to make all seem bigger than it should be: they learn the Babylonian's song in the Psalms;

Down, down with it at any hand,
Make all things plain, let nothing stand.

            They care neither for good letters nor good lives; but only out of the spoils to get good livings, our good lord bishops must be made poor superintendents, that they might superintend the goodly lordships of rich bishoprics; and then we that be simple fellows, must believe that they offer us Josias' reformation: whereas indeed it savours not of that in any. thing but the ill savour; for as Josias defaced a fair field, and made it spurcitiarum latrinam,<62> so they would ruinate our cathedral churches, and make them spelunca latronum,<63> as my good friend Hary-Osto, or mine Host Hary saith of the pagan Rodomont, after his host had ended his knavish tale.

He makes the church (oh, horrible abuse)
Serve him for his profane ungodly use.

            Wherefore let them call themselves what they list; but if they learn no better lessons of Josias, but to turn sweet fields to stinking dunghills, they shall make no new Jaxes in England by my consent; and I hope my device shall serve to mend many that be now amiss with an honester and easier reformation; and I doubt not but the magistrate that hath charge to see ne quid respub. detrimenti capiat,<64>.will provide, lest our receipts prove deceits, our auditors frauditors, and our reformation deformation, and so all run headlong to gehenna; where the sport will be torment, the music clamours, the prospect smoke, and the perfume stink. <65> Which two last, I mean smoke and stink, I have verily persuaded me, are two of those pains of hell, which they call poena sensus:<66> which pain St. Augustine affirms may also torment aerial or spiritual bodies; as partly appears in the story of Tobias, where a wicked spirit was driven away with the smoke of a broiled liver; and therefore I have endeavoured in my poor buildings to avoid those two inconveniences as much as I may. As for the two other annoyances, that the old proverb joineth to one of these, saying, there are three things that make a man weary of his house; a smoking chimney, a dropping eaves, and a brawling woman, I would no less willingly avoid them. But when storms come, I must, as my neighbours do, bear that with patience which I cannot reform with choler, and learn of the good Socrates, who when Xantippe had crowned him with a chamber-pot he bare it off single with his head and shoulders, and said to such as laughed at him for it,

It never yet was deem'd a wonder,
To see that rain should follow thunder.

            And to the intent you may see, that I am not only groundedly studied in the reformation of AJAX, which I have chosen for the project of this discourse, but that I am also superficially seen in these three other matters of shrewd importance to all good housekeepers; I will not be dangerous of my cunning, but I will venture my pen and my pains, if you will lend but your eyes or your ears, though I perhaps shall have more fists about my ears than mine own for it. First, therefore for the house, I will teach you a verse for it, that I think M. Tusser taught me, or else now I may teach it his son.

To keep your house dry, you must always in summer,
Give money to the mason, the tiler, and plumber.

            For the shrewd wife, read the book of Taming a Shrew, which hath made a number of us so perfect, that now every one can rule a shrew in our country, save he that hath her. But indeed there are but two good rules. One is, let them never have their wills; the other differs but a letter, let them ever have their wills; the first is the wiser, but the second is more in request, and therefore I make choice of it.

            Lastly, for smoking chimneys, many remedies have been studied; but one excellent and infallible way is found out among some of the great architects of this age, namely to make no fire in them; and by the same rule they may in have very sweet Jaxes too.<67> But the best way. I have found, is out of Cardan partly, but as I think mended by practice of some of my neighbours of Bath; who make things like half a cloak about the tops of the chimneys, with a vane to turn round with the wind; which, because they make of wood, is dangerous for fire; but being made of thin copper plates, or of old kettles, will be as light and without danger: but this is supererogation, and more than I promised you.

{Illustration 4 – A house with a chimney cowl}

            But now to come home again, though home be never so homely, the fourth annoyance, though it be left out of the proverb, may compare with two of the other three, which is a stinking privy; which makes a man wish sometimes, save for an ornament of the face (as Heywood saith), to have no nose:

Most of our savours be more sour than sweet:
A nose then or no nose, which is most meet?

            And for the reformation of this, many I doubt not have ere this beaten their brains, and strained very hard, to have found out some remedy; but yet still I find all my good friends' houses greatly annoyed with it.

            But yet, ere I come to discover this exact and exquisite form that I have promised, let me add a word or two out of the good and wholesome rules of physic, both for authorising the homely words so oft used, as for proving that the matter in their faculty is specially regarded; for divers that are otherwise very dainty and curious, yet for their health sake, will endure both to hear homely language, to see sluttish sights, to taste dirty drugs, and to show secret sores, according to the Italian proverb;

Al confessore, medico, et advocato,
Non deve tener cosa celato.

From your confessor, lawyer, and physician,
Hide not your case on no condition.

            No man therefore is either so ignorant or so impudent, as either not to know, or not to confess, that the honourable science of physic embaseth itself oft-times about the care of this business: for whereto serveth, I pray you, fiant clisteria, fiant pillulae, fiant potiones, fiant pessi.<68> But fie on it, it makes me almost sick to talk of them; sure I am, the house I treat of, is as it were the centre to which they must all fall, first or last; and many times, I think, first were wholesomer of the two. But to enforce my proofs, though shortly yet soundly, I will not bring any peculiar prescripts out of Galen and Hippocrates, lest you should oppose against them Asclepiades or Paracelsus; nor stand long to dilate of the empirical physic, or the dogmatical and the methodical; of all which, if I should say all I could, I fear me not so much that physicians would take me for a fool, as that fools will take me for a physician. I will therefore set down as it were certain authentical rules, out of a general council of physicians, and that sent by common consent to a great king of England; against which, if any doctor should except, he must ipso facto be counted an heretic. This therefore I find of my text in that book that begins,

Anglorum regi, scribit schola tota salerni.<69>

            For when he hath been advised to make choice of three physicians,

Haec tria: mens laeta, requies, moderato dieta.

            Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman. Then they admonish him of many particulars for his health, for his food, for his house, &c. Which if they might with good manners write to a king, then I may without incivility recite to a kinsman.

Si vis incolumen, si vis te vivere sanum,
Curas tolle graves irasci crede profanum,
Parce mero, coenato parum nec sit tibi vanum,
Surgere post epulas, somnum fuge meridianum.
Nec mictum retine, nec comprime fortiter anum, etc.

The Salern school doth by these lines impart
Health to the British king, and doth advise,
From cares thy head to free, from wrath thy heart;
Drink not much wine, sup light, and soon arise.
After thy meat, 'twixt meals keep wake thine eyes.
And when to nature's needs provok'd thou art,
Do not forbear the same in any wise:
So shalt thou live long time with little smart.

            Lo! what a special lesson for health they teach, to take your opportunity so oft as it is offered of going to those businesses. Then soon after, to let you know how wholesome it is to break wind, they tell four diseases that come by forbearing it;

Quatuor ex vento veniunt in ventre retento,
Spasmus, hydrops, colica, vertigo, quatuor ista
.<70>

            But most specially making for my purpose, both for word and matter,

Aer sit mundus, habitabilis ac luminosus,
Infectus neque sit, nec olens, foetore cloaca.

            Which as a principal lesson, to be learned by builders, I will set down in verse.

A builder that will follow wise direction,
Must first foresee before his house he makes,
That the air be clear, and free from all infection,
And not annoy'd with stench of any Jakes.

            For indeed, let your house be never so well apparelled, never so well plastered and painted, if she have a stinking breath I shall never like of my lodging. Lastly, there be two other verses, with which I will end these school authorities.

Multiplicant mictum, ventrum dant mespila strictum.
Post pyra da potum, post pomum vade cacatum.<71>

            And thus I take it, I end this part of my discourse with a well chosen verse to the purpose: yet ere you go, take this with you in prose; that many physicians do hold; that the plague, the measles, the hemorrhoids, the smallpox, and perhaps the great ones too, with the fistula in ano, and many of those inward diseases, are no way sooner gotten, than by the savour of other excrements upon unwholesome privies. Wherefore I will now draw to the conclusion of this same tedious discourse, for it is high time now to take away the board; and I see you are almost full of our homely fare, and perhaps you have been used to your dainties of potatoes, of caviare, eringoes, plums of Genoa; all which may well increase your appetite to several evacuations: we will therefore now (according to the physic we learned even now) rise and stretch our legs a little, and anon I will put on my boots and go a piece of the way with you, and discourse of the rest: in the mean time myself will go perhaps to the house we talk of, though manners would, I offered you the French courtesy, to go with me to the place where a man might very kindly finish this discourse.

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